Do you think yourself single?

There is a lot of talk about cosmic ordering, positive thinking and manifesting your dreams which can leave some people thinking that the reason they are single has as much do with their powers of visualisation as it does to do with how many dates they go on.

Even if you don’t hold with all that there is some truth in the fact that how you think can affect your reality and this certainly applies to meeting someone – you might believe, deep down, you will always to be single and that thought can stop you from taking the opportunity to get involved with someone even when they are right in front of you. There are a number of different core beliefs that can affect your success in intimate relationships, here are three common ones:

Do you think that you will be single forever?

This is a fundamental question which needs to be answered honestly. If deep down you think you are going to be single forever then that belief will affect how you conduct yourself when you are on dates. Even if your mind is willing you may be giving off all sorts of vibes which tell your date that you are not available or not interested.

Often when someone is struggling with this belief they will be attracted to people who are unavailable – they may already be in a relationship be emotionally unavailable. Only being attracted to people like this serves the purpose of giving you the feeling that you are open to a relationship but that, through circumstances beyond your control, it is never meant to be. Feeling like a victim of fate you may never confront your own core beliefs – if you did you may soon find that you are attracting people who are available; your self-sabotaging behaviours would lessen and, even though it may feel scary, you would be more open to laying the foundations for an intimate relationship.

Do you think a relationship will make you happy?

This is the most common belief because this is what we are told from being very small children – that we will meet our prince or princess and live happily ever after. Relationships aren’t easy and life is full of problems even if you are in love – it doesn’t make you immune. Believing that a relationship should make you happy all the time means that when problems do arise you may blame the relationship and end it rather than take the emotional risk of working through the problems together.

Learning to accept that even the best relationship will have its ups and downs, and it is a necessary part of intimacy, will make a big difference in your approach to all relationships. People do let us down, make mistakes, turn up late and say things they don’t mean – it doesn’t mean they don’t love you, just that they are human too. If you want more than superficial relationships you need to accept that it is nobody else’s responsibility to make you happy. Happiness isn’t a lack of problems in life it is the ability to deal with them. Having a loving partner by your side can make this much easier.

Do you think relationships are a lot of hard work and heartache?

If you have been hurt in the past, or been surrounded by couples who are controlling each other and seem to be at war all the time, it is easy to lose faith. You may be doing all the right things to find a relationship, but if, at the back of your mind, there is a fundamental lack of trust then the chances are you will stay single.

The truth is that there are just as many examples of good, happy, healthy relationships but you might have to readjust your focus to see them because the bad ones are so much easier to spot. Talk to people who have been with their partner for a long time and who seem content, ask them what it is about the relationship that they like – what it gives to them. The chances are that they will tell you they have a best friend, a companion or a number one fan in their partner; that their relationship is the foundation of their life or that they feel more able to be themselves because of the love their partner brings them.

These functional, happy, healthy relationships aren’t the ones that make the headlines or star on Jeremy Kyle but they are there and are more common than you realise. When you readjust your thinking about relationships you may find that it becomes much easier to engage in the dating process because you aren’t so fearful.

What you think about – you bring about! Chuck Danes

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