Sometimes people have been friends with someone for years and suddenly develop romantic feelings for them but don’t want to risk ruining the friendship by saying how they feel. Or you may have met someone and although you get along great neither one of you has ever made a move towards each other and it has settled into a friendship without it ever being discussed. However it happened it can be a painful place to be if you want more.
There are a few practical things you can do to help move things on – to find out one way or another whether there is a possibility of romance with this person. Although all of the suggestions involve taking emotional risks, and maybe changing the balance of the friendship, they will help set you free to move on.
Examine your feelings
If you have a great friendship with someone why do you want them to be your partner? How do you think this will change things between you? Play the tape forward and see what it is you want from this person that you are not getting now – is it just the physical side? It is important that you know how you want things to be before you take any action. People behave differently in friendships than they do in romantic relationships – they may be a great friend but an unreliable boy/girlfriend. Look at how they are with people they date – do they have the qualities you want in a partner?
Why hasn’t it happened?
There will be reasons why your friendship hasn’t developed into a romance and it is important that you know what these are. Maybe one or both of you were with other people when you first became friends but are both now single? Perhaps you were both waiting for the other person to make a move but no-one ever did. Maybe you have been friends for so many years that it would seem strange to even broach the subject now. Whatever the reasons were, you need to be sure that you really want to change things. Think about the bigger picture and who else would be affected like mutual friends or children.
Emotional honesty
As difficult as it can be there comes a point where you have to be emotionally honest, with yourself first and then with your friend. If you don’t find the courage to talk to them about it – because you don’t want to ruin the friendship – you may find that the friendship begins to sour anyway because you are holding something back and not able to be open in the friendship or supportive when they are dating someone else. Take a risk and say how you feel. Talking it through with someone else first can help you work out what you feel and what you want to say.
Telling the truth
It doesn’t have to be a big deal, or an emotional outpouring. Choose a time and place where you have time to talk, have few distractions and are both sober (drunken declarations of love rarely go down well and are more prone to get really messy). Maybe start a conversation about ideal partners and ask your friend what they are looking for – what they want in a partner. Some people will need you to spell it out that you are interested because, for whatever reason, they have never looked at you in that way. Don’t rely on hints or subtle innuendos and most importantly, as far as possible, let go of the outcome – you need to be prepared for the fact that it could go either way. Whatever happens, you will feel better because you will have honoured yourself and the friendship by being honest.
Moving on
If your feelings aren’t reciprocated don’t beg, plead or try to persuade – retain your dignity and ask yourself whether you can continue to be friends or whether that will be just too painful for you. Maybe back off for a little bit and start mixing in different social circles for a while relying less on the friendship as a source of emotional support.
Hopefully the result will be that you and your friend get it together and your friendship forms the foundations of a lasting and happy relationship. If this is the case start dating – going out together as boyfriend and girlfriend, doing different activities than you did as friends – court and woo them and be prepared for it to feel a little weird at first. Just like any other relationship take things at your own pace and enjoy!
How to escape the friend zone, 9.9 out of 10 based on 8 ratings
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